Ever HAd?

You are not to Blame,

It was my Mistake

Yet, the only Mistake that felt Right

I’m Stubborn

That much is known,

Because I followed my Heart more than my Head

But I deviated from my path,

To an unorthodox one,

Because of how you made me Feel

I wish things turned out differently

I lamented the days it went wrong

Finding every reason to hate you

But I can’t

Because it wasn’t your Fault

It was Mine

Alas, I can’t trust you

For what has been set in motion

Can’t be turn back..

I’m seeing a different side to things

I’ve finally seen the different side of you

How could I have been so Blind?

It scares me more

To see how far I would go

To push the boundaries of morality

To risk hurting others

To extinguish my soul

To lose my pride

The tables have turned

The cards have been dealt

I’ll be holding the Aces in the end

Because I’m a Survivor

You can’t break my Spirit

I’ll just rise from the ashes again

As I once did before…

Ever Had one of those days when you find yourself questioning one aspect of your life? This is one of mine…

There are 3 things that people say to never bring up for discussion…

Life, Politics and Religion…

In this day and age.. one should be able to understand why religion is a touchy subject.. we get extremist running around blowing or trying to blow other people up.. then we get the type of religion that figured that their religion is better than others..  whatever the reason.. it’s a sensitive issue to peruse.. I’m a Catholic myself and i’m sure like many people.. have encountered a crisis of faith… the fact that I’m a science graduate doesn’t make things any easier.. I always find myself in the universal issue of God vs Science..

But.. despite me questioning my faith.. I’ve always steadfastly believed in the existance of a higher being.. I need to believe that there is a reason to this life in the midst of the surrounding chaos… I guess it’s all a matter of Faith really..

That being said.. I’ve learned that God’s greatest gift.. is the gift of Forgiveness…  I mentioned in my last entry that I need to learn to forgive.. however… the actual act of it is much harder than one can expect..

I’ve recently found myself confronting 2 situations that require an act of forgiveness… the situation now becomes… should I forgive them?

On one hand… there’s someone who has gotten away with too many things and has been forgiven endlessly… I’m considering that maybe the best thing to do is to not forgive him/her so that the person in question will actually learn to grow up for once.. it’s a harsh move but no side ever won a war without losses…

On the other… when someone deals you the card of betrayal.. do they really deserve your forgiveness? Maybe it will take me time to get over it.. but.. can things ever be the same again? Probably the most i’ll be able to offer is acceptable but not complete fogiveness.. the bonds of Trust have been shattered… will the pain ever heal without the scars showing?

This is probably a Test of Faith for me… but I didn’t expect it to be so upfront and this personal…

They say a good bottle of red wine gets better with age.. that’s something I used to believe about people… that’s something I used to believe about myself … the growing process that is…

I used to believe that as we get older… the choices we make.. .good or bad…all chalks up to our experience.. it adds to our maturity and makes us better people… just like a good bottle of red wine..

However, herein lies the problem with that concept.. I failed to factor in that making choices doesn’t necessarily make us better people.. if you make a good choice… then good for you.. but if you make a bad choice.. there’re 2 ways to go about it… either admit it was a bad choice and learn from it.. or remain stubborn about it and let it retard yourself..

I admit that I’ve been making a lot of questionable choices lately… I’ve actually known it for a long time despite my constant debates with friends… I’ve been turning a deaf ear because I’ve failed to see, time and time again,  the reason why I should stop… the way I saw it.. no one was getting hurt.. except my pride and my soul..

Someone who was once a good friend of mine told me to have fun.. as long as no one was getting hurt… I could only offer her a smile of uncertainty… unsure then of how this was gonna lead me through…

8-9 blog posts ago..  I mentioned that I tend to tread the fine line of bitterness and growth… I realised lately that I’ve been stepping into the former… I started to look at the people around me ..the people who have used me in the past and the people whom i’ve resisted from letting in and the people who have actually been there for me… i started to ask myself… ‘How did it all come down to this?‘

How far have I fallen? How did I allow this to happen to me?

A good friend just told me a few days ago…

‘Jules, you can just be neutral.. you don’t have to go full-on evil..’

It was just something as simple as that..  simple words.. not many people could probably comprehend the simple yet powerful weight behind those words…

I need to learn to forgive again..

I think it’s time to mature..

I think it’s time to grow up again..

Like a good bottle of Red WIne.

Despite the apparent care and attention I try to give my body… (i.e. the gym… a good healthy diet..).. There are some things that I can’t fight when it comes to ageing… agility and flexibility tend to become victims of total obsoleteness, inflammation and sprainning of the muscle becomes something to get used to..

Basically.. the whole ageing package sucks…

Sure… you’d probably get wiser… (or dumber depending on how you’ve been killing your brain cells over the years..).. the experience gives you maturity (even this is subject to debate…).. but the fact that the body has a negative exponential time clock.. that’s a bit disparaging…

Maybe I’m just whinging here because my back is in total pain… again..

I try to practice correct posture whenever I can.. (i.e. sit up straight… bend your knees…etc.) .. but at times of absent-mindedness… it just takes one wrong move and bam! your back’s in painville…

I will say one thing though… Thank God for hot plasters and painkillers… i’m pretty sure my creatine kinase levels are through the roof now.. (ok.. that was the science geek talking there… :p) …

Anyone know a good chiro?